Avery the Teacher...

So Avery, my daughter, seems to be developing and hitting milestones on a daily basis. Her latest, which happened while in PA, was rolling over. I haven’t actually witnessed it in person. All I know is that she falls to sleep on her stomach, and when we get her in the morning, she is on her back. The funniest thing is she has the biggest smile, as if to say, “Look, I did it again!” She is so proud of herself. Whenever something like this happens, I want to go around and tell people how smart and advanced my daughter is, whether I have met you before or not! But I know parents who do that, and it can get old. They brag about the simplest things, which do not seem that phenomenal. So I will show some restraint. Instead, I’ll just let you come to the incredibly obvious conclusion of how amazing my daughter is through reading this story. Did I mention she can practically stand already?! (Stop it, Eric….)

Fatherhood has obviously brought me a lot of joy, but it has also taught me a lot. Over the past few years, I have been on a journey to understand my view of God. I have slowly learned my skewed images of God, how they influence my interactions with God, and some of the sources of these images. I am now trying to live out of the truth of who God is, instead of my distorted concepts, but this is definitely not an easy road. One of core beliefs that I have tried to shake is that God does not delight in me. He loves me because it’s His job, but delight in me? Only occasionally. How could he with the way I live on certain days?

So here is how God has been using Avery in this process. My love for Avery is as close to unconditional love as I can imagine on earth. Although I love my wife, family, and friends dearly, there are all elements of choice that do not exist the same way in my love for Avery. At the most simple things, I cannot help but love her without a single thought in my mind. I do not analyze and make a decision; I just love. As an example, when I can get Avery to smile enough that her binkie falls out of her mouth, my day is complete. It is the best prize of the day. Also, at the end of each night, I go into her room to say goodnight. Usually it’s just an excuse to look at her and smile. I love just seeing the unique sleeping position she has chosen that night. She could have been fussy all day, and it would not change that moment before I go to bed.

Now my theology claims that God looks down upon me in the same way. Regardless of what I have done that day, when I’m sleeping, He can’t help but smile at His beloved son. That was incredibly hard for me to type, because it is even harder to believe. God looks down upon me the same way I look at Avery before I go to sleep?! Sort of, yet His love is stronger. I know, its ridiculous. God loves me intimately and personally. And I bring Him joy by being who I am!

Now I realize that God may not always be pleased with my decisions, and I grieve Him when I choose contrary to what He has intended for me. When I disobey Him, He grieves. But I have realized that at the core of that grief is the loss of fulfillment that He desires for me. He grieves because He wants more for me. I did not trust Him, and it grieves Him that I, along with others, must suffer the consequences. Although this has not come out clearly in my relationship with Avery, it will just be a matter of time. I want what is best for her, and I’m sure there will be times that she chooses something contrary to that. And I will grieve when I know from experience that she will face some tough consequences. But as she falls down due to her decisions, I will be there to pick her up. And God is there for me as well. Because His love has more to do with Him than it has to do with me.

Although it still doesn’t sink in at times, my love for Avery has given me something tangible to cling to. And hopefully it becomes more of an experiential thing, and I start to live out of the confidence of that love. My heart has always lagged behind my mind in understanding this, but I’m hoping Avery will help my heart to begin to believe.

At the end of each day, God smiles upon me because I bear His image. And maybe He is so proud of my smallest development that He wants to tell all the angels. And maybe He also finds joy in my unique sleeping position. Who knows….

Why are You a Door?!

I went to a pastor’s spiritual retreat a few months ago. Luckily I work at a church where our entire staff was encouraged to go to this all-day reflective retreat. One of the exercises was to pick one of Jesus’ “I AM” statements, and really meditate on it. (Here’s a quick list I found) So I picked the statement: “I Am the Door.” If I am honest, I picked this one because I could not figure out what it meant, nor could I remember its context. Since it was a pastor’s retreat, I came up with a more spiritual reason for picking it. Something like, “I was really drawn to that one!”

I ended up spending several hours meditating on John 10 where Jesus describes Himself as the shepherd. Although I have always enjoyed this passage, John 10:9-10, where Jesus refers to Himself as the gate (or door), really hit me in a new way

9 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The part that stuck out to me the most was the second half of verse 9. I grew up in a more legalistic environment. I’m not throwing my childhood church or my parents under the bus whatsoever because I had an amazing childhood. Every restriction I was given as a kid was saturated in love. But the reality is, when you grow up in Amish country, the entire culture is focused a bit more on the “do’s and don’ts”.

When I first imagine the wall around my grazing area (I’m in character… I’m a sheep!!), my gut reaction is to think of it as restrictive. I chose to be a Christian, so I need to stay in my area. If I look over the wall, I can see the other sheep playing kickball, high-fiving, and laughing so hard they are crying. They get to do whatever they want and have a blast! When I ask Jesus if I can go out and play, He lets me know that He loves me, but I can’t partake in those activities. I need to focus on my math homework. I basically looked at the guidelines and boundaries in my life as a test from God to see if I really loved Him. Not really any meaning behind them, just random things to follow. If I really love God, I will show Him by blindly following His rules. Since Jesus died for me, I should not have a desire to have fun!

But Jesus says, “They will come in and go out, and find pasture.” Nothing is forced! The sheep are free to come and go! What?! There is freedom? This has been one of the most monumental learning’s for me in my adult years. Verse 9 and verse 10 are related. Our fulfillment in life, which God came to give us, is directly linked to the wall constructed around us. Yet this wall has an opening, and we are free to leave whenever we want.

But the more I have examined the wall, and each “law” or “commandment” which are piled up to make this wall, I’ve started to see the boundaries are not restrictive for arbitrary sake. They are invitational. God’s commandments invite us to trust Him with our lives. Each commandment is there for our ultimate well-being. They are placed there because God loves us dearly and wants us to experience the most fulfilling and exciting life possible. Although it does not make sense to us at times, and may not seem as attractive as the fleeting and momentary happiness we see around us, it is true! If God was willing to sacrifice His Son in order to have a relationship with us, we have to trust that His laws are tied to that love. He wouldn’t die in our place to merely have the ability to test our love and obedience. He invites us to trust Him because He has proven without a doubt that He is worthy of our trust and He has our best intentions in mind. It’s an invitation with freedom, not a command with judgment. Jesus is the unlocked door.